Ah, Halloween. The one time of year when children are encouraged to dress up like goblins and ghouls, run from house to house, and demand free food from total strangers. But what happens when you’re over 30? Are we meant to stay indoors, content in our roles as Halloween candy slangers? Or are we destined to RSVP to the same tired party where every guy is dressed like a Mad Men character and all the women are dressed in sexy costumes? No, we think not. With our ultimate “How To Trick Or Treat When You’re Over 30”, you too can get out there and collect your share of Tootsie Rolls, Smarties, bite-sized Snickers and other treats.
- Choose Your Costume Wisely: Our first tip should be a no-brainer, but just in case, here it goes: Don’t halfass it. This applies to all Halloween costumes, everywhere, at any age. We’ve all seen those kids who roll up to the doorstep, asking for treats, in regular clothes. No bueno. Lazy costumes include such abominations such as wearing your favorite basketball jersey and saying you’re that team’s “Number One Fan”, or wrapping yourself in toilet paper. Don’t be that guy. In the very least, the guardians of treats might reward you for your effort.
- Get Hip With The Kids: What are kids into these days? We have no idea (Teletubbies?), but you should. Do your research to see what rolls with the youth of today. One thing is for sure and we can absolutely guarantee that 10 year olds are not fans of Nixon masks, Kramer costumes, or have any idea what/who Alf is, but purveyors of candy might be. Avoid these types of costumes and keep your true age under wraps.
- Booze On The DL: If you’re going to drink on the trick or treating trail, keep it on the downlow. Have a flask or CamelBak ready and leave the scotch at home. It is nights like this where you might want to break out that bottle of peppermint schnapps, cosmo mix, or midori sours. Embrace your inner sorority girl because Halloween is the only night where you NEED to get sauced on girly drinks. No exceptions.
- Shave Your Beard: Unless you can convince the overlords of candy corn that you’re really just a swarthy 11 year old who hit puberty too soon, you need to shear the beard.
- Disguise Your Voice. This is a tricky one. If you’re really dedicated, you can buy an electronic voice changer. This is by far the easiest way to disguise your voice and can also be useful in your day to day activities, if you’re one of those guys. You can also practice talking in a high pitched voice, ala Freddie Mercury. Worst case scenario, try speaking in an accent (suggestion: Borat accent). You might confuse the chosen candy peddlers enough so that they’ll give you candy, if for no reason other than to get you off their damn porch.
- Leave Your Car At Home: Self-explanatory. If the whole neighborhood sees you driving from house to house, well, that’s just in poor taste. Leave the car at home, but if you really want to be authentic, pick up a skateboard or a razor scooter. Bonus points if you pick up a pair of Heelys.
- Update Your Ringtone: A dead giveaway that you’re old as shit is to have Steely Dan or the Growing Pains theme song as your ringtone. Replace it with something the youngsters would have blaring, such as Rihanna, Cody Simpson, or Taylor Swift.
- Appreciate Your Treats: Kudos to you for sticking to your raw food gluten-free Nordic Atkins diet, but Halloween is the time to throw all good sense of diet and dignity out the window. Take your treats without fuss, and don’t be picky. Deal with the adult acne, love handles, and high blood sugar later.
- Ghost Costume: Okay okay, this tip is definitely a cheat and directly contradicts our first tip, but for good reason! If you’ve genuinely tried to assemble a creative costume without success, try the ol’ ghost costume. Hide your receding hairline, beer belly, and grimly cynical disposition under Target’s finest white jersey sheet and march with your head held high (but not too high – remember, you’re trying to be a kid) from house to house. Believe us – you’ll fool everyone!
- Comfortable Kicks: We’re sure you haven’t walked this much since the time you finished the first 1/4 of that recent 5K, so wear a pair of comfortable shoes. Nothing too fancy, and definitely not a pair of Crocs. We suggest Sketchers, or Heelys!
Halloween is truly a magical time of year; a time when grown adults are allowed to completely disregard the social norms that dictate our day to day lives and are encouraged to let loose. With our Ultimate How-To Guide for Trick or Treating, you too can successfully join the hordes of candy scroungers, so use these tips wisely, go forth and collect as many delicious treats as you can! Happy Halloween everyone!
Have any tips of your own? Holler at us – we’d love to know what you think!
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